WEDDING AND MARRIAGE - REALITY CHECK
by Michael-Renee Astree, RN, LAPC
After the ceremony, the reception and the honeymoon, you will come home to the real world and you will be husband and wife. You will forever have the joy of the beautiful memories captured in your wedding album and your wedding video by Visual Statements Photography and Video. You will have great memories from your honeymoon. You have begun forever! So, what happens now?
A lot of couples are disillusioned from the start. Their entire focus is on the wedding, and not on the marriage. Although the wedding is an important event, the wedding is only one day. The marriage is for a lifetime. Unfortunately, some couples do not take the time to figure out what is going to happen after the wedding day. There are several tough questions that need to be discussed before the two of you say, “I do.” Communication, trust, finances, sex, and [lack of] covenant are the five topics that tend to destroy marriages today. In 2008, although the statistics have not gotten much worse, the general consensus still seems to be that it is easier to just get divorced than try to stay married. I challenge all new couples to dare to stay together. It is one of the hardest, yet most rewarding jobs you will ever have. If you can put forty hours a week into a corporate job, you can certainly put that amount of time or more into your marriage. The truth is: we make time for what is truly important to us. So, how does your list of priorities run?
Better yet, do your lists match, complement, or antagonize each other? Do you communicate your needs? Do you trust your partner to meet your needs? Do you know how each of you handles finances? Do you have the same sexual expectations? Have you asked the hard questions? Are you willing to accept the answers? Thus begins your communication.
Communication is multi-faceted: problem identification, talking, listening, understanding, and resolving. Communication is not a naturally assumed behavior. It is a learned skill. As a couple, you must identify the problem, talk about it, and come to a resolution. No one can be held accountable for something they do not know (e.g. you get pissed off when they leave the toilet seat up or when they leave hair in the sink after blow-drying it). So, identify your needs honestly and respectfully and then talk about how to get your needs met. Check to make sure that your partner understands what you are saying. If they do not, simply rephrase it so they will. Discuss it calmly, agree on a resolution, or agree to disagree. DO NOT EVER GO TO BED ANGRY! Then, trust that your new spouse will implement the actions you agreed upon to make sure your needs get met.
Trust is the foundation of any relationship. Trust can be destroyed before you even get married. If someone was raped, molested, or abused (mentally, physically, or emotionally), trust is going to be a huge issue in your relationship. Has this happened to you or your partner? Do you know? Do you trust each other enough to share that information? The other trust destroyer is infidelity. Has one of you been unfaithful? Have you dealt with all the emotions of that incredible betrayal? It is possible to get past infidelity; but only with a great deal of professional help, commitment, forgiveness, and prayer. If you begin your marriage with a shaky foundation, you are setting yourself up for failure. Remember, you are agreeing to commit your heart, mind, body and money to this person forever.
So, are you ready for a joint checking account? Who makes more? Who is the better money manager? Is one of you a spender and one a saver? Do you spend money the same way? Have you agreed to keep separate checking accounts? Who is responsible for which bills or do the bills get paid out of a joint account? Is there a spending limit at which you must ask the other person for permission? What is the retirement goal? If you are both homeowners, whose house will be sold? If one person is a homeowner, is the other person comfortable moving in or do you want to get a house together? What is the timeline for that? What is each person’s credit score? Have you talked about these things? If your partner has an expensive hobby, are you willing to include this in the monthly budget? Does one of you pay bills early and the other floats checks to rob Peter to pay Paul? These are things you need to know prior to marriage and it is one of the hardest conversations you may have to have, next to the sex discussion.
Sex tends to freak people out, believe it or not. Sexual relations require a level of intimacy that we are not all ready to share. Have you been having sex with each other all the while you have been dating? Are you waiting until marriage? Have you taken a vow of celibacy? Is someone in your relationship a virgin? Has someone been violated? Do you know how to be intimate without intercourse? Is sex used as a weapon in your relationship? Have you discussed with each other your sexual histories? Has there been homosexual activity, drug use, blood transfusions, multiple partners, or unprotected sex? What is your partner’s STD history and current HIV status? Did they tell you or did you see the results on paper?
In 2008, over 30% of HIV is spread from unprotected heterosexual contact. It is something that, unfortunately, we still have to talk about. Beyond that, though, how often are you going to have sex? Does one person think every day, four times a day is normal while the other person thinks four times a month is normal? A difference like that could cause a huge problem. You may want to figure out what each person’s expectations are now, before the wedding and the honeymoon. What is going to happen when one of you is sick or unable to perform sexually? Is the other person willing to wait or will oral sex or manual stimulation be offered as an alternative? Remember that God expects you to be servant lovers to one another. It is part of the covenant of marriage.
A covenant is much deeper than a commitment. You commit to a contract, a job, a schedule. A commitment is legal (i.e. ordered by a judge). A covenant is a vow or agreement made between God and His people. So, as much as you have agreed to get married, I hope you have considered the depth of the covenant you are making. You are vowing to love, honor, respect, and protect each other in the sight of God and in the sight of each other. If this contract is broken, there will be much more than financial loss; there will be emotional and spiritual devastation as well. God is omnipotent. He has given us direction in His word as to how we are to be as husbands and wives. He has given us direction as to how to be servant lovers to one another. He has made it easy. The challenge for us humans is to step up and be the men and women, husbands and wives, fathers and mothers that He has created us to be.
So, as you get ready for your big day, get ready for the days after. Commit to yourself that you will wake up every morning and ask yourself this question, “What can I do today to make my husband’s or wife’s life better today?” Whatever you did when you were dating to win each other’s hearts, keep doing it. Don’t get complacent and don’t take each other for granted. Don’t assume that your spouse knows you love him or her. We all like to hear it from time to time. Look into each other’s eyes for one minute every day and read each other’s souls. Cherish every moment you share together – every smile, laugh, touch, and tear. Share your dreams and your goals. Kiss every day. Say “good morning”, “hello”, “goodbye”, “goodnight”, “I’m sorry” and “I love you” whenever you have the chance because tomorrow is not promised to any of us. Thank God for every day you get to love your spouse and to feel loved in return. It is the greatest gift any of us can experience. Make it awesome every day of the rest of your life together!
by Michael-Renee Astree, RN, LAPC
So, you have made one of the biggest decisions of your life. Someone proposed and someone said, “Yes.” But, to what did you say yes? Was it yes to a lifetime of fun and joy and romance like in a Harlequin romance novel? Was it yes to a business arrangement? Was it yes to a lifetime of work and struggle? Was it yes to sacrificing who you are as an individual and no longer having a sense of self? Was it yes to a biblical union that will be absolutely perfect in the sight of God? Was it yes, finally, to commitment? The answer is a quintessential, NO! You did not agree to any one of these things; but rather to all of them. Was it yes to a fantasy or someone’s potential rather than reality? Let’s hope not. What you have both agreed to is being married – not to a wedding and not to a honeymoon – but to the covenant of marriage.
After the ceremony, the reception and the honeymoon, you will come home to the real world and you will be husband and wife. You will forever have the joy of the beautiful memories captured in your wedding album and your wedding video by Visual Statements Photography and Video. You will have great memories from your honeymoon. You have begun forever! So, what happens now?
A lot of couples are disillusioned from the start. Their entire focus is on the wedding, and not on the marriage. Although the wedding is an important event, the wedding is only one day. The marriage is for a lifetime. Unfortunately, some couples do not take the time to figure out what is going to happen after the wedding day. There are several tough questions that need to be discussed before the two of you say, “I do.” Communication, trust, finances, sex, and [lack of] covenant are the five topics that tend to destroy marriages today. In 2008, although the statistics have not gotten much worse, the general consensus still seems to be that it is easier to just get divorced than try to stay married. I challenge all new couples to dare to stay together. It is one of the hardest, yet most rewarding jobs you will ever have. If you can put forty hours a week into a corporate job, you can certainly put that amount of time or more into your marriage. The truth is: we make time for what is truly important to us. So, how does your list of priorities run?
Better yet, do your lists match, complement, or antagonize each other? Do you communicate your needs? Do you trust your partner to meet your needs? Do you know how each of you handles finances? Do you have the same sexual expectations? Have you asked the hard questions? Are you willing to accept the answers? Thus begins your communication.
Communication is multi-faceted: problem identification, talking, listening, understanding, and resolving. Communication is not a naturally assumed behavior. It is a learned skill. As a couple, you must identify the problem, talk about it, and come to a resolution. No one can be held accountable for something they do not know (e.g. you get pissed off when they leave the toilet seat up or when they leave hair in the sink after blow-drying it). So, identify your needs honestly and respectfully and then talk about how to get your needs met. Check to make sure that your partner understands what you are saying. If they do not, simply rephrase it so they will. Discuss it calmly, agree on a resolution, or agree to disagree. DO NOT EVER GO TO BED ANGRY! Then, trust that your new spouse will implement the actions you agreed upon to make sure your needs get met.
Trust is the foundation of any relationship. Trust can be destroyed before you even get married. If someone was raped, molested, or abused (mentally, physically, or emotionally), trust is going to be a huge issue in your relationship. Has this happened to you or your partner? Do you know? Do you trust each other enough to share that information? The other trust destroyer is infidelity. Has one of you been unfaithful? Have you dealt with all the emotions of that incredible betrayal? It is possible to get past infidelity; but only with a great deal of professional help, commitment, forgiveness, and prayer. If you begin your marriage with a shaky foundation, you are setting yourself up for failure. Remember, you are agreeing to commit your heart, mind, body and money to this person forever.
So, are you ready for a joint checking account? Who makes more? Who is the better money manager? Is one of you a spender and one a saver? Do you spend money the same way? Have you agreed to keep separate checking accounts? Who is responsible for which bills or do the bills get paid out of a joint account? Is there a spending limit at which you must ask the other person for permission? What is the retirement goal? If you are both homeowners, whose house will be sold? If one person is a homeowner, is the other person comfortable moving in or do you want to get a house together? What is the timeline for that? What is each person’s credit score? Have you talked about these things? If your partner has an expensive hobby, are you willing to include this in the monthly budget? Does one of you pay bills early and the other floats checks to rob Peter to pay Paul? These are things you need to know prior to marriage and it is one of the hardest conversations you may have to have, next to the sex discussion.
Sex tends to freak people out, believe it or not. Sexual relations require a level of intimacy that we are not all ready to share. Have you been having sex with each other all the while you have been dating? Are you waiting until marriage? Have you taken a vow of celibacy? Is someone in your relationship a virgin? Has someone been violated? Do you know how to be intimate without intercourse? Is sex used as a weapon in your relationship? Have you discussed with each other your sexual histories? Has there been homosexual activity, drug use, blood transfusions, multiple partners, or unprotected sex? What is your partner’s STD history and current HIV status? Did they tell you or did you see the results on paper?
In 2008, over 30% of HIV is spread from unprotected heterosexual contact. It is something that, unfortunately, we still have to talk about. Beyond that, though, how often are you going to have sex? Does one person think every day, four times a day is normal while the other person thinks four times a month is normal? A difference like that could cause a huge problem. You may want to figure out what each person’s expectations are now, before the wedding and the honeymoon. What is going to happen when one of you is sick or unable to perform sexually? Is the other person willing to wait or will oral sex or manual stimulation be offered as an alternative? Remember that God expects you to be servant lovers to one another. It is part of the covenant of marriage.
A covenant is much deeper than a commitment. You commit to a contract, a job, a schedule. A commitment is legal (i.e. ordered by a judge). A covenant is a vow or agreement made between God and His people. So, as much as you have agreed to get married, I hope you have considered the depth of the covenant you are making. You are vowing to love, honor, respect, and protect each other in the sight of God and in the sight of each other. If this contract is broken, there will be much more than financial loss; there will be emotional and spiritual devastation as well. God is omnipotent. He has given us direction in His word as to how we are to be as husbands and wives. He has given us direction as to how to be servant lovers to one another. He has made it easy. The challenge for us humans is to step up and be the men and women, husbands and wives, fathers and mothers that He has created us to be.
So, as you get ready for your big day, get ready for the days after. Commit to yourself that you will wake up every morning and ask yourself this question, “What can I do today to make my husband’s or wife’s life better today?” Whatever you did when you were dating to win each other’s hearts, keep doing it. Don’t get complacent and don’t take each other for granted. Don’t assume that your spouse knows you love him or her. We all like to hear it from time to time. Look into each other’s eyes for one minute every day and read each other’s souls. Cherish every moment you share together – every smile, laugh, touch, and tear. Share your dreams and your goals. Kiss every day. Say “good morning”, “hello”, “goodbye”, “goodnight”, “I’m sorry” and “I love you” whenever you have the chance because tomorrow is not promised to any of us. Thank God for every day you get to love your spouse and to feel loved in return. It is the greatest gift any of us can experience. Make it awesome every day of the rest of your life together!
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