“Why don’t you come to bed,” my husband asked. “I’m not sleepy,” I responded. A few minutes later, came the same question with an agitated tone. “Why don’t you just come to bed?” “I told you, I’m not sleepy”, I snapped back! About 15 minutes later, he insisted, “Michael-Renee, just come to bed!” I yelled back, frustrated, “What part of ‘I’m not sleepy’ do you not understand?” “You don’t have to sleep. Let’s just snuggle,” he said. “How are we going to snuggle when you are going to sleep? That’s not snuggling. That’s me holding you while you sleep and I lay there awake looking at the ceiling and I don’t want to do that! You’re not my father! I’ll come to bed when I am sleepy!”
OUCH! What an insensitive response to the man that I claim to love with every ounce of my being. Did I totally miss the point of that whole dialogue or what? My husband and I did not speak for almost two days after that exchange. He was hurt and I was angry. So, what happened? Miscommunication – that’s what happened. We lost two days of “togetherness” because we didn’t take ten minutes to try to understand what we were each trying to communicate.
So, let’s break it down. What my husband really wanted was “cuddle time”. All I heard was “come to bed.” I am very concrete, meaning I have trouble “reading between the lines.” He did not clearly state his need and I did not ask for clarification. I was too busy being defiant, controlling, and selfish. So, I missed an opportunity to be close to my husband “just because” and he missed getting his need for some quality time and physical touch met. We both lost in this senseless argument because we did not stop to find out what was really being communicated.
Communication is a learned behavior. We learn how to communicate as children by watching those around us. As adults, our communication is affected by more societal influences – what we think is hip or cool, what is politically correct, what is socially acceptable, etc. Communication is complex. It consists of words, body language, intonation, and emotion. When all facets are congruent, a powerful message can be generated. For example, “I love you” - whispered with soft passion, while maintaining direct eye contact, and holding hands – feels genuine. When some facets are incongruent, meaning they do not match, then the message not only loses its power, but may become incredulous. For example, “I love you” – mumbled under the breath with crossed arms and a frown – feels quite disingenuous and may not be perceived as true.
Communication, not sex, is what gets couples through relationship situations. When there are financial problems, communication helps find a solution. When there are intimacy problems, communication can help spark new passion. When there are parenting problems, communication can help develop a unified strategy. When there are communication problems, there is silence. Nothing gets solved. No growth happens. For couples who seem to be speaking different languages to each other, I recommend reading The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. Our love language is what makes us feel loved. Once you learn each other’s love languages – quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving of gifts, and physical touch – you will have a new understanding of how to better communicate your love to one another.
Let’s talk about words. We all know words can evoke different emotions. They can bring smiles and they can bring tears depending on what the words are, when they are used, and how they are said. Words can cut like a knife and they soothe the deepest hurt. So, be very careful about the words you choose to use with each other. Once they have left your mouth, you cannot take them back. So, be kind to one another and think before you speak.
What about your body language? Folded arms communicate that a barrier is up between you and you will only get so close. Eye contact communicates interest and integrity. When someone cannot look you in the eyes, it does not necessarily mean that they are not telling you the truth. Eye contact has a cultural background. There are some cultures that believe that making direct eye contact communicates a direct challenge of authority and is very offensive. Other cultures believe that women should not make eye contact with men. Another reason someone may not make eye contact initially is out of shame. Now, if there is no cultural difference and no shame associated with the discussion and there is still no eye contact, then you may want to question the level of honesty. When someone is really listening to you, there is usually eye contact and they will probably be leaning toward you. You know indifference when you see it. In the South, we like to reach out and touch people when we talk – this communicates concern or affection.
Intonation is hard to write about. It is simply how you sound to the other person. I get told a lot that I am abrasive. I have a very loud voice and I can be very short. I am the kind of person who says what I mean and don’t add a lot of fluff. So, to people who do not care for my directness, it seems abrasive. So, I have had to work on my tone. A lot of strong, black women I have talked to seem to get this same feedback. So, my best suggestion to you, when it comes to intonation, is to ask for feedback. How do people hear you? What do you sound like when you talk? Be open to what people tell you and remember that their perception is 100% of their reality. Soften your tone if needed. Don’t be condescending. Those are the two biggest complaints about tone.
Your emotions may affect your tone. When we are depressed, our tone can be very flat – completely lacking emotion as if we don’t care. Anger, joy, and sadness can be heard in our tone as well. Unfortunately, though, fear and hurt can sometimes be mistaken for anger when we are listening to tone. So, again, be careful to look at the whole communication picture. What is the discussion about? What happened to provoke the conversation? What emotion would you have if the shoe was on the other foot? Try to understand the emotions behind the tone if you get confused or feel yourself becoming defensive.
Lastly, learn to listen effectively. You can talk until you are blue in the face and your partner may not really hear you. When your partner needs to have a serious discussion with you, stop what you are doing and give [him or her] your undivided attention. Face each other when you talk. If you are taller than your partner, sit down so that you can be at eye level with each other. After a few minutes, stop and make sure that you have heard [him or her] correctly. Simply, say, “What I heard you saying was……….” and explain in your own words what you heard your partner say. Then, allow your partner to answer, either, “Yes, that’s correct” or “No, what I was trying to say was……..” allowing them to rephrase what they said so you might understand better. Then, continue your conversation back and forth. Take moments throughout your conversation to check in with each other and make sure that you are hearing each other correctly. This will stop any misunderstandings before they start to fester.
Remember that communication can make or break your relationship. You will not always agree on everything. However, if you fight fair and are kind to each other, you can talk about anything and work it out. Fighting fair means no name calling, no cheap shots, no degradation, no throwing up the past, and no lying. Choose words that you will not regret. Use your words to uplift each other. Don’t use them as a weapon.
No comments:
Post a Comment