RELATIONSHIP COMMUNICATION

“Why don’t you come to bed,” my husband asked. “I’m not sleepy,” I responded. A few minutes later, came the same question with an agitated tone. “Why don’t you just come to bed?” “I told you, I’m not sleepy”, I snapped back! About 15 minutes later, he insisted, “Michael-Renee, just come to bed!” I yelled back, frustrated, “What part of ‘I’m not sleepy’ do you not understand?” “You don’t have to sleep. Let’s just snuggle,” he said. “How are we going to snuggle when you are going to sleep? That’s not snuggling. That’s me holding you while you sleep and I lay there awake looking at the ceiling and I don’t want to do that! You’re not my father! I’ll come to bed when I am sleepy!”

OUCH! What an insensitive response to the man that I claim to love with every ounce of my being. Did I totally miss the point of that whole dialogue or what? My husband and I did not speak for almost two days after that exchange. He was hurt and I was angry. So, what happened? Miscommunication – that’s what happened. We lost two days of “togetherness” because we didn’t take ten minutes to try to understand what we were each trying to communicate.

So, let’s break it down. What my husband really wanted was “cuddle time”. All I heard was “come to bed.” I am very concrete, meaning I have trouble “reading between the lines.” He did not clearly state his need and I did not ask for clarification. I was too busy being defiant, controlling, and selfish. So, I missed an opportunity to be close to my husband “just because” and he missed getting his need for some quality time and physical touch met. We both lost in this senseless argument because we did not stop to find out what was really being communicated.

Communication is a learned behavior. We learn how to communicate as children by watching those around us. As adults, our communication is affected by more societal influences – what we think is hip or cool, what is politically correct, what is socially acceptable, etc. Communication is complex. It consists of words, body language, intonation, and emotion. When all facets are congruent, a powerful message can be generated. For example, “I love you” - whispered with soft passion, while maintaining direct eye contact, and holding hands – feels genuine. When some facets are incongruent, meaning they do not match, then the message not only loses its power, but may become incredulous. For example, “I love you” – mumbled under the breath with crossed arms and a frown – feels quite disingenuous and may not be perceived as true.

Communication, not sex, is what gets couples through relationship situations. When there are financial problems, communication helps find a solution. When there are intimacy problems, communication can help spark new passion. When there are parenting problems, communication can help develop a unified strategy. When there are communication problems, there is silence. Nothing gets solved. No growth happens. For couples who seem to be speaking different languages to each other, I recommend reading The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. Our love language is what makes us feel loved. Once you learn each other’s love languages – quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving of gifts, and physical touch – you will have a new understanding of how to better communicate your love to one another.

Let’s talk about words. We all know words can evoke different emotions. They can bring smiles and they can bring tears depending on what the words are, when they are used, and how they are said. Words can cut like a knife and they soothe the deepest hurt. So, be very careful about the words you choose to use with each other. Once they have left your mouth, you cannot take them back. So, be kind to one another and think before you speak.

What about your body language? Folded arms communicate that a barrier is up between you and you will only get so close. Eye contact communicates interest and integrity. When someone cannot look you in the eyes, it does not necessarily mean that they are not telling you the truth. Eye contact has a cultural background. There are some cultures that believe that making direct eye contact communicates a direct challenge of authority and is very offensive. Other cultures believe that women should not make eye contact with men. Another reason someone may not make eye contact initially is out of shame. Now, if there is no cultural difference and no shame associated with the discussion and there is still no eye contact, then you may want to question the level of honesty. When someone is really listening to you, there is usually eye contact and they will probably be leaning toward you. You know indifference when you see it. In the South, we like to reach out and touch people when we talk – this communicates concern or affection.

Intonation is hard to write about. It is simply how you sound to the other person. I get told a lot that I am abrasive. I have a very loud voice and I can be very short. I am the kind of person who says what I mean and don’t add a lot of fluff. So, to people who do not care for my directness, it seems abrasive. So, I have had to work on my tone. A lot of strong, black women I have talked to seem to get this same feedback. So, my best suggestion to you, when it comes to intonation, is to ask for feedback. How do people hear you? What do you sound like when you talk? Be open to what people tell you and remember that their perception is 100% of their reality. Soften your tone if needed. Don’t be condescending. Those are the two biggest complaints about tone.

Your emotions may affect your tone. When we are depressed, our tone can be very flat – completely lacking emotion as if we don’t care. Anger, joy, and sadness can be heard in our tone as well. Unfortunately, though, fear and hurt can sometimes be mistaken for anger when we are listening to tone. So, again, be careful to look at the whole communication picture. What is the discussion about? What happened to provoke the conversation? What emotion would you have if the shoe was on the other foot? Try to understand the emotions behind the tone if you get confused or feel yourself becoming defensive.

Lastly, learn to listen effectively. You can talk until you are blue in the face and your partner may not really hear you. When your partner needs to have a serious discussion with you, stop what you are doing and give [him or her] your undivided attention. Face each other when you talk. If you are taller than your partner, sit down so that you can be at eye level with each other. After a few minutes, stop and make sure that you have heard [him or her] correctly. Simply, say, “What I heard you saying was……….” and explain in your own words what you heard your partner say. Then, allow your partner to answer, either, “Yes, that’s correct” or “No, what I was trying to say was……..” allowing them to rephrase what they said so you might understand better. Then, continue your conversation back and forth. Take moments throughout your conversation to check in with each other and make sure that you are hearing each other correctly. This will stop any misunderstandings before they start to fester.

Remember that communication can make or break your relationship. You will not always agree on everything. However, if you fight fair and are kind to each other, you can talk about anything and work it out. Fighting fair means no name calling, no cheap shots, no degradation, no throwing up the past, and no lying. Choose words that you will not regret. Use your words to uplift each other. Don’t use them as a weapon.

Do You Trust Your Partner

TRUST

If you look in the dictionary, you will see the following definitions of the word TRUST:
1. reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence.
2. confident expectation of something; hope.
3. the obligation or responsibility imposed on a person in whom confidence or authority is placed: a position of trust.
4. something committed or entrusted to one’s care for use or safekeeping, as an office, duty, or the like; responsibility; charge. www.dictionary.com, 7/19/08

The common threads to all these definitions are confidence, responsibility, and care. A husband and wife rely on each other’s integrity, strength, and ability. A husband and wife have confident expectations of one another. We have an obligation and a responsibility to love, care for, and respect each other as husband and wife. Our hearts, bodies, minds, and souls are committed and entrusted to one another “until death do us part.” One might assume that since you have agreed to marry each other, that you trust each other. Unfortunately, this is not always a correct assumption. Many times we give “lip service” to trusting each other, but then do not completely give that trust. Trust is the foundation of any relationship – parent-child, boyfriend-girlfriend, friend-friend, employer-employee, and husband-wife. Without trust, your marriage has very little opportunity for growth.

According to Erik Erikson, “trust versus mistrust” is the very first stage of personality development. Trust is developed before the age of two. Erikson believed that trust in the infant years created a lifelong expectation of what we believed about the world. Our parents had the ability to write on our souls, as infants and children, and influence who we are as people. Did yours write something good or not? What did you learn about trust as a child? Did you learn that married people cheat on each other? Did you learn that when you share your feelings they are used against you later? Did you learn that you would be understood when you shared your feelings? Did you learn that feelings, like anger and sadness, caused fights and/or divorce? Did you learn to trust the opposite sex? Did you learn trust once you started dating? Were your boundaries respected or ignored? Were you taken advantage of? Were secrets, that you thought were private, shared with outsiders? As an adult, have you learned to trust? Are you willing to share your deepest, darkest secret with your spouse knowing that it will always be a secret and will never be used against you? Or do you censor what you share because you are not sure? If I asked you to fall backward into your spouse’s arms, would you trust him or her to catch you?

Trust is earned with consistency. Trust is not given simply because you think you love someone. How can you actually love someone that you do not trust? Hopefully, the two of you have been together long enough to have established a pattern of consistency and earned each other’s trust. If not, start now. Can you depend on your spouse to tell the truth, to be faithful, to listen effectively, to put the top back on the toothpaste – ALL THE TIME? Of course not, nobody’s perfect. MOST OF THE TIME would demonstrate consistency, though. Does he or she do just the opposite of what you expect or do something one time and not the other? That inconsistency breeds fear and mistrust. There are several reasons that men and women may be distrusting.

A lot of women have different trust issues related to their fathers, abuse, the “independent woman syndrome”, and infidelity. A little girl’s father is her first model of what a man is supposed to be and how he is supposed to treat her. If that relationship was a loving, nurturing one, then a woman may have a very solid idea of how to trust a man to care for her. If her father was not in the picture at all, her father left, or her father was physically present but emotionally unavailable, she may not be sure that a man can love her and take care of her. Abuse, whether physical, emotional, or sexual, can destroy a woman’s trust for a very long time. When one man (or multiple men) has taken advantage of them, women are less apt to trust men to respect and love them. If they have been deeply wounded once before by a man they trusted, they may be a lot more protective of their feelings. With the “independent woman syndrome” there is a feeling of: I am the only one who can take care of me. When you have learned to do for yourself and can depend on that, why entrust that security to someone else? Infidelity causes months, maybe years of doubt. There is no explanation for cheating that can make a woman feel better. From the moment she finds out until whenever, she will wonder if you are where you say you are and if you are really with who you say you’re with. She will question phone calls, working late, financial transactions, and even your tie choice. She will NOT be willing to give intimacy during this struggle because she no longer trusts you to respect her, protect her, and love her the way she deserves to be loved. She may doubt her self-worth and her value to you. You will have to EARN that trust back and it will not be easy.

A lot of men have some of the same issues. Because men tend to be more logical than emotional, you might think that their feelings don’t run as deep. That is a myth. Men tend to love from their head first and then to their heart. They make a conscious decision a lot of times to allow someone in their heart and love them. Therefore, when men truly love, their love can run very deep. When a man has decided to entrust his heart to a woman and he gets hurt; it can be very difficult for him to open up and trust again. A man’s relationship with his mother allows him to model how to care for a woman. However, his relationship with his father teaches him how to be a man. If the father was a good role model (i.e. loving, faithful, honest, hard-working, etc.), then a man may develop a good sense of self. If the father was not a god role model (i.e. abusive, unfaithful, dishonest, lazy, etc.), then the man may not develop such a good sense of self. Abuse, whether physical, emotional, or sexual, can make a man question his manhood, his sexuality, his self-worth, and his ability to protect [himself and anyone else depending on him]. When this abuse is inflicted by a woman, he may have a very difficult time ever trusting women – even the one he is going to marry. Infidelity is taken as a personal affront and comes with a lot of hurt and pain. A man may question his decision about choosing to love and choosing to trust his spouse. He may question his value or lack thereof. It will take a very long time for him to trust again because he will go back in to their head and start over again. The journey back to his heart will be even longer after a betrayal like that.

Lack of trust can be seen in many different ways. When you hide money from each other, you don’t trust. You don’t trust your spouse to be responsible with your money. When you don’t allow your spouse to parent your children, you don’t trust. You don’t trust your spouse to be a good parent. When you lie to each other, you don’t trust. You don’t trust your partner to handle the truth, whatever that truth is. When you don’t tell your spouse when something feels good or hurts during sex, you don’t trust. You don’t trust your spouse to make the necessary adjustments to lovingly meet your needs. When you make a major decision without your partners input, you don’t trust. You don’t trust your partner’s opinion. When you check your partner’s wallet/purse, cell phone, car, e-mail account, etc., you don’t trust. You don’t trust your spouse to be faithful. When you are having a major emotion – happiness, sadness, anger, confusion, whatever – and you don’t feel like you can share it with your partner, you don’t trust. You don’t trust your spouse to validate, appreciate, and soothe your emotions. When you don’t feel comfortable being naked in front of your spouse, you don’t trust. You don’t trust your partner to love you just the way you are. When you do or say something that you would not do or say in front of your spouse, you don’t trust. You don’t trust your spouse’s reaction to whatever you are doing or saying – maybe because it will be hurtful to them or maybe because it will keep you from getting what you want.

So, how do you trust? First, if you have difficulty trusting, you must admit it to yourself, then to your spouse, then to your counselor. That’s right, your counselor. You will need an objective third party to help you work through your struggle and help you find healing. No matter what the problem is – dysfunctional childhood, abuse, infidelity, etc. – a counselor can help you sort through the emotions and really heal the wounds rather than just continuing to put a band-aid on your problems. Once you can deal with the true depth of your distrust – where it stems from and how it affects you – you can close that chapter in your life and open yourself to new beginnings. Second, you need to talk about your distrust with each other – openly and honestly. Third, you need to agree to accept each other where you are in your struggle and support each other while you grow. Fourth, make a conscious effort to do whatever each other needs to help build trust (e.g. checking in by phone at specified times, having a “safe” word during sex to stop uncomfortable sexual activity, creating intimacy without sex, sharing bank records, etc.). Lastly, be patient with each other, honor each other’s commitment to facing this problem, and celebrate each new level of trust and depth you develop together.

Imagine the new depth you will have in your marriage when you can trust your partner unconditionally. What would it feel like to be able to share anything and everything with your spouse without fear of retribution? What would it feel like to be able to share your hurts and pain, your fantasies and desires with your partner and know that you would be heard, understood, and not judged? How freeing would it be to find safety and security in the one person that you have vowed to spend the rest of your life with? Be careful with each other and take your time. Most importantly, be wise. If you realize that the person you are with is not trustworthy, does not value you and your feelings, or is hurtful without remorse, then you may not want to open yourself up too much. You know what’s comfortable for you. If the two of you are in this together, however, you must be willing to step outside your comfort zone and push for new emotional breakthroughs. The new you and your new relationship will be incredible. Trust me.

by Michael-Renee Astree, RN, LAPC

My Real Wedding From The Knot

My Real Wedding from The Knot published Natasha Taylor Wedding by Visual Statements Photography and Video. http://myrealwedding.theknot.com/photo/view/My-Fabulous-Wedding